Above Comes After Beneath
I am slowly opening my mouth. It’s always better that way. In any situation, good or bad, you often need to open your mouth. It helps you breath better; it relaxes you. You need to breathe, always, remember gotta breathe! Like when you see something beautiful and, in amazement, you go “Wow” and you open your mouth.
This time was bad though. Like someone was grabbing me by the throat and I couldn’t breathe. I felt light and bright. That’s amazing, but I couldn’t breathe. I was flowing. I was soaked. I couldn’t talk. I knew I should not open my mouth. I couldn’t even think or move my body. I was just there, somewhere left at the drift. There was nothing else in that moment, not a single thought in my head! But wait, that felt good! It’s good not to think about million things in the same time. I couldn’t decide…my body was convulsing; my hands flowing above my head, my hair felt electrified like I had stuck my fingers in the wall-plug. A nice dream I thought. May be I got hit by a car while walking the damn dogs!
But no wait! That was years ago. There were no dogs that people take care of when some people themselves go hungry! Dogs that get combed and shampooed when kids live in the mud! That was long time ago. So, these are no dogs, but visions. I’m not sure if they are whispering or screaming. If these are the kids or the dogs. But they are in my head!
Everything is too bright and out of place. I hate these pictures my mind draws. But wait they are no pictures. These are memories. These are real, or were real! What time is it?
“Mom!” “Mom” “Moooom”
What am I doing? I couldn’t open my mouth. No one could hear me then. It was because it was fluid. Fluid! But if it is that I am in a fluid, why do I hate it? I love swimming. Being out on the mountain, swimming in the lakes. That’s part of my life. The best part. No dogs, no muddy kids. Just crystal clear sky and lakes, up in the mountains. Now it’s all painful and mirage like.
I hate the visions, the pictures my mind draws.
I am walking down the dirty street and around me, on leashes, those people’s dogs. Each one pulls to a side completely different of the other four, and the other four do the same and it’s like they walk me not I them. Idiotic. Dogs think they are happy, their people think they are happy and they think I do something good and they are happy. Boy, I wanna hang all of them on these leashes! People think they give their dogs some freedom by paying me to walk them on a leash. What idiots! And what stupid dogs! They are on leashes! There is no freedom here. And you idiots are paying me for this. You think you can buy freedom?! You don’t know what freedom means. You live in your fancy apartments and you love them. When you are closed inside, surrounded by those stupid dogs, and you moil and toil for to stay inside as longer as possible. You don’t know what’s happening next door, but you know dogs. Pathetic!
I’m swimming. The lake is clear and calm. It’s cold, but I don’t mind it because the mind sets it that way. The sky filtrates through me, and the coldness and the soil, and I have roots coming in and out of all my body extensions, and I’m all connected. Boy that is now. Thank god, it is now. Thank god this came! Thank god I never stop believing and never craved into the dog madness. If I had just spent one more day letting myself being pulled by those dogs, I was gonna probably become the first serial dog killer! I had kept this routine, dogs, leashes, doors, streets, colorful pavement, windows, skyscrapers, and dogs again, cars honking, people talking, thinking that they are talking when they are really squeaking like animals, which they actually are, but they don’t think so. They think the fact that someone defined likewise looking as humans make all of us humans!
Am I stuck somewhere or am I free now? Gotta stop recalling in order to decide. Just stop. I can’t take a deep breath though. Can’t open my mouth. I am here and there. And I like and I hate. And I am and I’m not. I am in and I am out. Will it end? It will, just breathe.