I’ve done shit

I’ve done shit

I’ve eaten shit.
I’ve drunk shit.
I’ve smoked shit.
I’ve worked shit.
I’ve cleaned shit.

I’ve talked shit.
I’ve felt shit.
I’ve seen shit.

It smells
It tastes
It burns
It bruises
It slips
It feels
It looks

… just like shit.

The shit is shit.
It happens. Get over it. Change it.
Don’t be shit!

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To See

I wanna be able to see the light of the world,
I wanna be able to see the stars.
I wanna be able to hear the birds.

Do you wanna see the light of the world?
Do you wanna see the stars?

Let us see the light of the world,
Let us see the stars.
Come with me to see the light of the world,
come with me to see the stars.
Let us hear the song of the birds,
Let us see the light.

I wanna be able to play in the meadow-grass,
I wanna be able to pick the meadow-sweet.
I wanna be able to hear the birds.

Do you wanna hear the birds?
Do you wanna play the game?

Let us make our own light,
Let us conquer the world.
Come with me in the meadow-grass,
come with me to pick the meadow-sweet.
Let us make our own rules,
let us see the stars.

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We are not the same …

“If we are the same person before and after we loved, that means we haven’t loved enough.”Excerpt From: Shafak, Elif. “The Forty Rules of Love.”

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Hard to explain

Its different when someone is good with you or to you and when he is good for you.

It’s hard to explain to those who don’t want to listen or to believe. It’s hard to explain to those who have been comfortable all their life and don’t know happiness.

Don’t try to explain baby. Don’t listen to them. Don’t be the same.

I don’t want comfortable now. All I want is now. I want to feel. Comfort numbs the now. Comfort is preferable by all because it is easy to explain. They don’t want to listen to something nuanced that is hard to explain. It is the centuries old comfort versus happiness dilemma for them. It’s love versus lust for us…

Its hard to explain the thing inside you.



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What would I have been

I wonder sometime what would have happened to me had I stayed there.
Would I be here with you? Would I be the soul I am now? Would I be the woman I am now?

He was sitting on the porch and he was pondering his head. He had build his house ont this land he bought five years ago with the money he had saved over the years. His body was peacefull but his mind was circling. He was smoking a cigar and his mouth was making twisted moves insisting on follwoing his mind on producing circles. He was cought in a circle he thought. One more time in a circle he built. And he didn’t know if he was happy about it. He knew he is good where he is. The smell of the newly painted house made him proud and invested. He was invested and had roots now. He felt this overwhelming sense of satisfaction, but his mind kept making circles and his mouth followed suit with the cigar smoke. He shouldn’t smoke around the newly painted house he thought. He got up and stepped down the stairs off the porch and kneeled to the ground pressed the cigar in the soil and put it out. Now he had to stop with this unhealthy circles.

Darling, darling get up!
He was still asleep and began waking up. Still drowsy and with half opened eyes he murmurred something.

Darling come on. We need to get ready mama is coming today.
And there he was now fully awake. He wanted to make his wife happy. That was all he wanted. She was making him happy every day since he first saw her. It was the eyes that see right through and into the soul. When he saw her and their eyes met he saw right through and recognized this soul he had always expected and believed he was going to meet. People didn’t believe him but he knew. He had just bought this land where the house is laid now and he knew it was a sign.

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It’s about time

It’s about time things change around here. I mean it’s been almost eight years. Eight years i have been chasing, learning and building towers climbing up… to the big bright future. It so …idiotic to start somewhere, feeling small and terrified and end up feeling the same.

After years of hard work to realize you don’t know what you want.

It’s educating though. You come to a point where you feel you need to hit the restart button. This could mean just go back to where you started. May be not exactly where you started, but just some place where you felt good at some point in time, in your waters. When you feel like going back it’s just time for a change.

It’s about time you stop fooling yourself and try to stop thinking for a while.

Do you know what you like? Do you want to saw a seed that is meaningful?
When you feel like you are not where you belong, it’s about time you change something.

Change is not easy. But when you have traveled half the world and came to start building towers with only your bare hands, everything is possible. Do you think everything is possible? Traveling really helps you realize it is.

It’s not true that going back means stepping back figurativaly in life or your development. It means you have learnt.

It means you need to recharge under the sun you know.


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Skinny heart

When can you call a heart skinny? When it’s become thinner than normal. And a heart becomes thinner when things are not normal. Thin and dark, with holes and patches. It becomes thin and dark also when it misses something … or someone. When the heart losses it’s power. And a heart losses its power with every person it loses, with every lie it soaks, with every betrayal. It can be healed though. People say it can be healed with love.








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Mating the Soul

They say it will happen to each one of us.
One day you will walk into a cafe or a night club and the one will be there.
The eyes will meet, and the heart will leap.
One day a pair of eyes will pierce your soul and your knees will wobble.
One day you will be the happiest and the saddest because you will know it will never come to be.
Because you know it’s the heart that matters; the dreams that make you keep walking. The genesis of all that matters are those eyes. And that day will come and go.
Deep down your soul knows the eyes. Deep down the soul cries when it meets the eyes. The soul knows what the heart doesn’t.
The soul knows the pain because the soul suffers and survives through centuries,
through thousands of eyes.

But the heart doesn’t. The heart only feels.
The inception of the dream entangles the heart like spider does to its pray.
The dream that the mating of the soul has begun.
The dream that you are holding the hands.
The dream that you are looking into the eyes.
The dream that you are home. The dream that those eyes are your home.


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Above and Beyond

Above Comes After Beneath
I am slowly opening my mouth. It’s always better that way. In any situation, good or bad, you often need to open your mouth. It helps you breath better; it relaxes you. You need to breathe, always, remember gotta breathe! Like when you see something beautiful and, in amazement, you go “Wow” and you open your mouth.

This time was bad though. Like someone was grabbing me by the throat and I couldn’t breathe.  I felt light and bright. That’s amazing, but I couldn’t breathe.  I was flowing. I was soaked. I couldn’t talk. I knew I should not open my mouth. I couldn’t even think or move my body. I was just there, somewhere left at the drift. There was nothing else in that moment, not a single thought in my head! But wait, that felt good! It’s good not to think about million things in the same time. I couldn’t decide…my body was convulsing; my hands flowing above my head, my hair felt electrified like I had stuck my fingers in the wall-plug. A nice dream I thought.  May be I got hit by a car while walking the damn dogs!

But no wait! That was years ago. There were no dogs that people take care of when some people themselves go hungry! Dogs that get combed and shampooed when kids live in the mud! That was long time ago. So, these are no dogs, but visions. I’m not sure if they are whispering or screaming. If these are the kids or the dogs. But they are in my head!

Everything is too bright and out of place. I hate these pictures my mind draws. But wait they are no pictures. These are memories. These are real, or were real! What time is it?

“Mom!” “Mom” “Moooom”

“Shut up!”

What am I doing? I couldn’t open my mouth. No one could hear me then. It was because it was fluid. Fluid! But if it is that I am in a fluid, why do I hate it? I love swimming. Being out on the mountain, swimming in the lakes. That’s part of my life. The best part. No dogs, no muddy kids. Just crystal clear sky and lakes, up in the mountains. Now it’s all painful and mirage like.

I hate the visions, the pictures my mind draws.

I am walking down the dirty street and around me, on leashes, those people’s dogs. Each one pulls to a side completely different of the other four, and the other four do the same and it’s like they walk me not I them. Idiotic. Dogs think they are happy, their people think they are happy and they think I do something good and they are happy. Boy, I wanna hang all of them on these leashes! People think they give their dogs some freedom by paying me to walk them on a leash. What idiots! And what stupid dogs! They are on leashes! There is no freedom here. And you idiots are paying me for this. You think you can buy freedom?! You don’t know what freedom means. You live in your fancy apartments and you love them. When you are closed inside, surrounded by those stupid dogs, and you moil and toil for to stay inside as longer as possible. You don’t know what’s happening next door, but you know dogs. Pathetic!

It’s fluid.

I’m swimming. The lake is clear and calm. It’s cold, but I don’t mind it because the mind sets it that way. The sky filtrates through me, and the coldness and the soil, and I have roots coming in and out of all my body extensions, and I’m all connected. Boy that is now. Thank god, it is now. Thank god this came! Thank god I never stop believing and never craved into the dog madness. If I had just spent one more day letting myself being pulled by those dogs, I was gonna probably become the first serial dog killer! I had kept this routine, dogs, leashes, doors, streets, colorful pavement, windows, skyscrapers, and dogs again, cars honking, people talking, thinking that they are talking when they are really squeaking like animals, which they actually are, but they don’t think so. They think the fact that someone defined likewise looking as humans make all of us humans!

Am I stuck somewhere or am I free now? Gotta stop recalling in order to decide. Just stop. I can’t take a deep breath though. Can’t open my mouth. I am here and there. And I like and I hate. And I am and I’m not. I am in and I am out. Will it end? It will, just breathe.

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Is your head spinning?

Mine is.

wake up, get up and check!

check your phone, check your email, Facebook, Google +, Twitter, the news, turn on the radio.

Bathroom check in there! Then turn on the coffee machine. Slowly transitioning form the isolation of your sleep to the noise of the buzzing, fuzzing world. Do you like it? I bet you do. It makes you feel alive, right. That’s what we all keep telling ourselves. I want more. I can take more. Give me more. More emails, more phone calls, more Facebook friends, more Twitter followers.

Is your head spinning? No. Ok.

The coffee is ready. Wait you don’t even have time to sit down in your kitchen and drink a cup of coffee. You have to go! You have one hour of driving to work. If you are lucky, you may get there in 45 min. Good luck. So, you will be drinking your coffee in the car, and probably have some breakfast in the car too.

Finally, you are at your desk. You are ready to start your day. Open your email and listen to your voice mails first. Wow, you have 116 emails and 12 voice messages. Busy bee! What will this company do without you. Just until you get around to go through all this noise and it’s lunch time. Yey. Now you can have some time to sit down and eat like a normal person. You have about 45 min. Don’t forget to clock out.

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